This will be about some random stuff I've thought about during my life.
One of the biggest things about me when I first started getting sick is that I thought everyone saw me as a leech. A kid who was faking it to get out of school. It was because of that thinking that I didn't use what I could have. I didn't eat all of the meals they brought me, I didn't use Meal Slips for the Cafeteria, I didn't really.....I guess enjoy myself would be how to describe it.
I secluded myself in my room a majority of the time. I didn't socialize with the Nurses, and I really only left my room for tests or to hang out with my friend Christian when he was sick at the same time I was.
All of that changed though on my 18th Birthday.
See, I was playing on my Computer when a friend sent me a message saying
"Man, I'm so sorry. Are you doing okay?"
I had no idea what he was talking about. I responded with a "The hell are you talking about?" and then he gave me a link to Christians Obituary and kept saying sorry to me. He had passed away during his Lung Transplant. His body just couldn't handle it anymore. I read the article and just sat there. I didn't care. I didn't frown. I had no emotion on my face. My brother happened to walk in my room and read my screen. He goes and tells my Mother and they all start crying.
Except me.
To this day, I still don't know why I didn't cry. Christian was like a brother to me. We used to hang out all the time. We were in the same Day Care program as kids. We'd always talk about what being sick was like. Whenever we both were in the Hospital together, we'd chat for hours about the tests and Doctors. He was such a dear friend.
When I found that out my mind just stopped caring anymore. I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped caring what anyone thought about me, I didn't sleep when I should have, I skipped school constantly, and just became a prick of a person.
After that, whenever I got sick, I used every privilege I could. I used my free Meal Slips anytime I wanted food. I made fusses so I could get a gaming System into my room in the Hospital, and so much more that I regret.
Even though I was told I wouldn't live to see 25. It really didn't enter my mind as much as you'd think. I probably thought about it maybe once every few months but after Christian passed....I never stopped thinking about it. In my mind, I was dead no matter what I did. Normal people never really think about death or the options they might have. To me, even if I got on that transplant list I was dead.
Can you imagine being a teenager thinking that no matter what you do, you're gonna die anyways?
I know some people are probably thinking "Well, if I knew I was going to die I'd try to make the most out of my life"
And in a sense. I tried. I made sure that no matter what. My friends were laughing.
Another one of my largest fears is that I'm terrified that I'm going to die being hooked up to machines for months on end.
When I was in that Coma two years ago, I was hooked up to all kinds of machines. I had tubes in my Lungs and Stomach, I had so many different IVs. It, in my mind, was hell. I never want to lie like that and I'm so glad that I woke up and got out of there.
My wish for situations like that is if it ever lasts longer than 4-6 weeks, that they stop and let me die or whatever. I can't think of a worse hell then being in a nightmare like that and unable to do anything.
Here's something random. I'm trying to get into Astronomy Classes. I hope to one day get a job researching the stars and space. My entire life I've always been fascinated about Space. It's a just so unbelievable that it's so large, that there are Galaxies so big that it defies are current known laws of physics. Or that in Billions of years we'll be burnt to a crisp by our son or that the Milky Way Galaxy will collide with the Andromeda Galaxy and form a even bigger one.
Space is just fucking cool.
Well, till next time. I think I'll do a post every 3 weeks to a month. It's getting harder to word these. I still have a a whole mess of stuff from my past that I can tell you. It's just wording it so that it doesn't sound retarded.
