I am going to talk about two very important people today. I'll start with the one that impacted my life the most. This isn't going to be a short post.
Christian.
I met him many many years ago. I met him and his family during something that no longer exists. Back in the day we used to have these "CF day" thingies where a bunch of Kids with CF and their families would get together and the parents could bitch to eachother about how hard it is to have a Child with CF and the kids could chill and bitch about how CF is a bullshit disease and how many pills we have to take. Christian was a bit of a nerd, like myself at that time and we got along from the get go.
Nearly every time there was one of those CF thingies we'd always hang out. Eventually, my mom met someone and his family happened to live in this town outside Winnipeg. It was called "Il de chene". Some small ass half french town. Wasn't too fun but Christian and his family happened to live there aswell and his mother even had a Day Care. I don't remember how old I was exactly when we moved there but it was when, I think, I was in the Forth Grade. My mom worked in Winnipeg and I was too young to just go to School or go home after school so she signed me up for the Day Care. My Brother Jason and I would go there around 6am and be there till like 7pm after School. We'd always watch Pokemon together in the morning and he'd show me his Starwars collection. He was really into that stuff.
It was the basic stuff for most of the year that I lived there but him and I would hang out nearly every day and we had a blast. He was always a little more sicker than me and it showed. I'd listen to him tell me about how bad his CF was all the time and I couldn't really share my stories because aside from like 2 times in the Hospital for Lung infections during childhood, I was pretty much a normal kid. I'd always feel bad and scared when I talked with Christian because I couldn't relate and yet I knew that that would be my future.
I remember one time my mom dropped my brother and I off at his place early one morning and Christian's Parents forgot to turn off their House Alarm. We walked in and stood at the front door because all the lights were off and we didn't know what to do. After about a minute of standing there, his father walks out in a towel and has a shotgun pointing at our heads. We were fucking terrified yet we laughed for days after it.
Regretfully, we only live in that town for a year before we moved back to Winnipeg. My moms job required more hours and she couldn't waste time driving to and from Winnipeg. So, of course, Christian and I grew apart, not really talking much but when we were teenagers, him and I spent a lot of time together in the hospital and we'd chat nonstop and hang out nonstop, though, it was difficult because at this point in time Doctors decided that people with CF could not be around other people with CF with fear of giving one or the other another bad bacteria in their lungs.
See, people with CF usually have one bad bacteria in their lungs. Alone, it's not too bad depending on which one it is but over time and being in the hospital alot, a person gets more and more in their lungs, doing more damage, making us sicker, and therefore killing us quicker.
So, whenever we were in the Hospital together we'd have to sit some distance from eachother to chat. It got really awkward because we'd both tend to be loud. It's another weird thing with CF. The harder it is for you to breath, the louder your voice seems to get. It's not on purpose or anything. It's just the way it is.
We'd get in trouble alot for being so noisy and be told constantly at how we shouldn't hang out with eachother but we didn't care. We needed eachother, someone who could understand the stress of it all took a large weight off your shoulders. Something I miss so much now.
And now the shitty part of the story. My 18th Birthday.
I was talking on MSN to another friend Christian and I met in the Hospital and he starts saying "I'm so sorry" and all that crap and I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He finally gave me a link to Christians online Obituary and after reading it I....I did nothing. I just sat there for I don't know how long but I didn't cry or anything. Finally, my Brother comes in and starts reading what was still up on my Monitor and he goes crying to my mom and it sparks this who crying fest in my House. Everyone is coming up to me saying "I'm so sorry" and shit and again. I didn't feel anything. I felt empty inside. It had turned out that Christian got really sick, really fast and needed an Emergency Lung Transplant. He....he didn't make it through the Transplant. He went in for Surgery two days before my Birthday and ya.
After that, I saw a quick end to my life. I didn't see CF as this slightly inconvenient illness where once or twice a year I had to spend a few weeks in the Hospital. I saw it as death and nothing I did mattered. I went into depression and just stopped taking care of myself. I regret it now but that's because I know shit now I didn't know then. That's how life works.
I got so sick so fast that when I was 21, I was being assessed for the Transplant list. Mind you, that was many things added together but a large part of it was Christian dying. I only even cared to do it because it seemed like an easy way out. I didn't see Transplant as my survival back then. I saw it as death and nothing else. The reason I even cared to try and go on the list back then was so I had an easy way out. Being sick got painful, breathing started to hurt, life started to kick me real hard. Thankfully, I got a new Doctor and she gave me a much needed push to start taking taking care of myself. I wasn't taking perfect care of myself, but it was enough to push off the Transplant.
And then things changed. During one of my stays in the Hospital when I was 21 I met another person with CF. His name was Carl. We only met because we had similar personalities. This is Friend number 2
One night I was out chatting with the Nurses at the Nurse Desk thing and Carl came out do to the same thing. We started talking about being sick and sharing our stories. It seemed like we kept trying to one up eachother in being sick. We got a little too loud and they told us to go into the Visitor's Lounge and close the door. It had gotten to be like 4am at this point.
We do as told and man, let me tell you, just having someone there who understood what I had been going through felt amazing. I no longer felt alone in this world. I have had the same amazing friends since Highschool, sure, but they were healthy people. None of them ever thought about dying young. None of them ever had to go into the shitty ass Hospitals where Doctors didn't give two fucks. But Carl did and it felt so unbelievably amazing to have that support back.
We soon became like Brothers. Whenever one was sick, we'd always visit the other and one time while I was sick. Carl came to visit me. He wasn't breathing heavily or coughing. It was very strange to me. He wouldn't stop smiling and his body kept shaking. I had one of those SAT machines in my room and he was checking his out. His SATs were that of a normal healthy person. Again, I got more and more confused.
He finally told me that he had his Double Lung Transplant just a week before I got sick. It was staggering at how quickly he changed. He gave me a new hope for something that I feared. He'd tell me his dreams when he was fully healed and how he was going to do them no matter what.
I was so jealous and relieved. Carl used to tell me that in a few months time, he's just going to go off the list and let himself die. He had been waiting for over three years. His body and mind just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to give him shit for not calling me and telling me but I also understood why he didn't. If he did, I wouldn't have been allowed to see him or anything. I was still sick and the Bacteria in my lungs could have killed him in his weakened state.
After that, anytime I was sick, Carl found out somehow and would always visit me. He'd talk to me about his fears and dreams some more and I'd bitch about being sick. He gave me the hope I needed to go on the list when I was sick enough which is the next part I'll tell you.
Back in that Coma of 2010, I'm told that Carl almost never left my side and that he barely slept. He was a better Brother to me then my real Brothers. I've said it in my post about that Coma and how I should be dead. He was there for me, my brother didn't even care to visit me unless it was for money.(Sidenote, I'm bitching about my younger brother here. My older Brother did visit me but couldn't stay long as he was still in jail at the time but neither of them cared to listen to me when I was sick and just be there for me.)
After that Coma, Carl went to live his dream when he found out I started the Assessment for my shot at the Transplant List. He went on a 6 Month sailing trip around North America. He had the time of his life. When he got back, he regaled me with so many stories and I was just happy listening to them. I may have had Carl to prove to me that Transplant still has hope but that Seed of death was still deep in my mind.
Finally, my transplant came and Carl wished me luck over the phone. He couldn't be there because he was out still enjoying life all around Canada.
Neither of us really saw eachother after my Transplant. He was just too busy enjoying his life. I couldn't hate him for that. He said that in Jan of 2012 he'd be back in Winnipeg and he'd need a place to live. He suggested that we get an apartment together and I was on board with that in a heartbeat. But...October came.
I hadn't spoken to Carl in sometime. It happened. He'd be at some crazy ass place that didn't have electricity to charge his phone or cell phone service. I was looking on Facebook one day and I saw that one of the Nurses from the Hospital had posted something on her page about Carl. For about 5 minutes I stared at it thinking "That couldn't be my Carl, right...? No, it just can't be....Maybe it's a joke of some sort". Finally, I went to Carl's Facebook page and I saw the truth. It had hit me so fucking hard.
He had apparently been sick for some time, which made me mad at him. All the times he's been there for me. I'd have killed to been there for him. It wasn't fair. Within minutes of finding the truth. I cried like I've never cried in my life. He gave me the hope I greatly needed. With his Transplant advice I was able to make it through without doing harm to myself(Not in a bad way but like pulling tubes out from being scared or something).
And so, those were my two friends. Christian and Carl. I'm sorry for making this a long ass post but I just couldn't stop typing. They meant the world to me and still do. It's why I still fight on and smile despite so much bad luck. They both gave me something from knowing each of them and I am who I am because of that. I try to minimize the seriousness of my illness just so people don't worry as much because of Christian. I keep pushing on because of Carl.
I owe my life to both of them.
