Fears

So, today I shall talk about Fears both Pre-Transplant and Post-Transplant.

Pre-

Being forgotten about after I die was one of my largest fears for me Pre-Transplant. My life on this earth will be very short. There is no denying that and I'm okay with it in a sense. As long as I can do whatever I can to make sure I'm remembered, I'll die happy. But let me expand that thought


While, yes, I do want to do the best I can to be remembered, I don't want to be remembered negatively. I try my hardest to be kind, generous, and funny to be sure that I'm going to be remembered in a good light.
Now, that's not to say that I just want to be nice only to be remembered positively. My friends are my life and always will be my life. They've been there for me when my own family hasn't and probably won't ever be.

Another thing that scares me isn't about my death but others. I've had to be alive while two of my best friends died and I couldn't even be there for them. And that fucking sucks. I don't want to out live my friends. I want them to out live me. Aside from Christian and Carl, my other friends should have a full life ahead of them and I want them to live has happily and as long as possible.

Yet another Pre-Transplant fear is people really knowing just how sick I was. I know I talk about it alot but even when I do, I still underplay just how truly sick I was. I never want anyone to know how sick I was or see me that sick again. It pained me so much when I was in the coma and people could see how sick I was.

Post-Transplant

Starting it all over. You might be asking, "What do you mean "Starting it all over"? Well, shut up you ignorant dumbass and let me finish. What I mean is that from the age of 13 to 23 I slow died. I slowly had my body give out on me one infection at a time. I had to lose the ability to breath, I lost the ability to be happy and I had to face death so many times. I never want to repeat that again. If I had choice, I'd rather die quickly than repeat all that.

A scary one in my mind is getting something new. Ie, Skin Cancer or some other bullshit thing that can come from Transplant. I don't want to have a new series of illnesses or hospital stays. Atleast with the lungs, I know exactly what to expect. I can't handle something new and unknown.

Change....that's a terrifying one aswell. So much of my life was hatred towards dying and hatred towards people who got to live happy lives full of chances so who I am now is a result of that and so much other stuff. It's who I am, but since transplant, I have been changing. What some people would see as better for me but worse for my friends. My friends used to be everything to me and now since I might have a chance at a relatively normal life, I've been becoming...not selfish but more aware of what I want and deserve and less of others if that makes sense.

And the final one on my mind right now is dying after all those changes are said and done or turning back into who I was and then dying. I've made many new friends after transplant and they've never seen me sick or have never known me when I was angry. I don't want them to ever see that or watch me die. It's why I'd prefer to die quickly.

Well, that's what's been on my mind lately, I hope you all enjoy that insight into my mind.