How do you live?

I know the title sounds weird for me it's a valid question.

My life has been on hold from 13 to 23. I'm 25 now and everyday I get more confused and worn out about how I'm supposed to live or what I'm supposed to do. Normal people go through school, do something that interests them, and generally they follow that path for the rest of their life. My issue is that I'm suddenly 25 with that teenage mentality of "I can do anything" with the adult knowledge of "I can't".

After Transplant I thought I wanted to go into Culinary Arts, and I still do but the problem is that I want to do so much more. I want to go into Astrophysics, Baseball, I want to be an artist of some sort, Comedian, Actor, Archeologist, Writer, and some more that I'm most likely forgetting right now.

I get told a lot "Well, just do what interests you the most" and that's a huge fucking problem for me because they all interest me the exact same amount. I've studied lots of them as a kid for years. I played Baseball for 4 years, I've been funny my whole life, I've watched movies since I was born, I'm apparently a decent writer, and I've been interested in the Universe for as long as I can remember. How the bloody fuck does one choose when he's suddenly 25 and didn't have those years to weed out everything?!

I get up everyday around 7:30am to go to school. I'm in school from 8:30am to 4pm. I haven't done that in 8 years. I've spent those years sleeping whenever I wanted, waking up whenever I wanted, and basically never having any worries about how I should go through life. I was just waiting to die. That was me for years. "Well, today, I didn't die. It was a good day" was my mentality. I do and I don't have that anymore. I have it in the sense that everyday I wake up with a smile just happy to be alive, but I don't have death looming over my shoulder so it's not as severe in my mind. If that makes sense. I'm partially on the scale with everyone else when it comes to living and being on the scale is terrifying.

I've asked countless people "How does one live" and it seems to be a question that no one can answer. Everyone says I'm doing great and all that but then why does it feel wrong? I feel as if I should have done more. I hear all these stories about sick people getting healthy and then doing great things with their lives. Hell, some chick in Toronto I think was on TV and everything after her transplant. I just have this little blog that people barely read. I want that. Not the fame but the ability to spread knowledge about C.F. and the transplant to such a wide audience. I think I'd kick ass at it.

I also have a dream to travel a lot. I want to own a home in a tropical climate so that when winter in Winnipeg gets to how it is this year I can just fuck off and stay healthy and happy. The fucking -50 weather with 5 feet of snow is depressing as fuck. I want to walk outside, I want to enjoy the Sun. I never want to stop moving yet in Winter one can only do so much.

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