I know the title sounds weird for me it's a valid question.
My life has been on hold from 13 to 23. I'm 25 now and everyday I get more confused and worn out about how I'm supposed to live or what I'm supposed to do. Normal people go through school, do something that interests them, and generally they follow that path for the rest of their life. My issue is that I'm suddenly 25 with that teenage mentality of "I can do anything" with the adult knowledge of "I can't".
After Transplant I thought I wanted to go into Culinary Arts, and I still do but the problem is that I want to do so much more. I want to go into Astrophysics, Baseball, I want to be an artist of some sort, Comedian, Actor, Archeologist, Writer, and some more that I'm most likely forgetting right now.
I get told a lot "Well, just do what interests you the most" and that's a huge fucking problem for me because they all interest me the exact same amount. I've studied lots of them as a kid for years. I played Baseball for 4 years, I've been funny my whole life, I've watched movies since I was born, I'm apparently a decent writer, and I've been interested in the Universe for as long as I can remember. How the bloody fuck does one choose when he's suddenly 25 and didn't have those years to weed out everything?!
I get up everyday around 7:30am to go to school. I'm in school from 8:30am to 4pm. I haven't done that in 8 years. I've spent those years sleeping whenever I wanted, waking up whenever I wanted, and basically never having any worries about how I should go through life. I was just waiting to die. That was me for years. "Well, today, I didn't die. It was a good day" was my mentality. I do and I don't have that anymore. I have it in the sense that everyday I wake up with a smile just happy to be alive, but I don't have death looming over my shoulder so it's not as severe in my mind. If that makes sense. I'm partially on the scale with everyone else when it comes to living and being on the scale is terrifying.
I've asked countless people "How does one live" and it seems to be a question that no one can answer. Everyone says I'm doing great and all that but then why does it feel wrong? I feel as if I should have done more. I hear all these stories about sick people getting healthy and then doing great things with their lives. Hell, some chick in Toronto I think was on TV and everything after her transplant. I just have this little blog that people barely read. I want that. Not the fame but the ability to spread knowledge about C.F. and the transplant to such a wide audience. I think I'd kick ass at it.
I also have a dream to travel a lot. I want to own a home in a tropical climate so that when winter in Winnipeg gets to how it is this year I can just fuck off and stay healthy and happy. The fucking -50 weather with 5 feet of snow is depressing as fuck. I want to walk outside, I want to enjoy the Sun. I never want to stop moving yet in Winter one can only do so much.
Blah
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
What annoys me
Many things in life annoy me, I like to bitch about them because it makes me feel better even thought bitching about them doesn't solve the problem whatsoever. Here are some of the things that piss me off.
Driving;
First off, I hate other drivers. People are fucking idiots. I have no idea how people who can't even fucking spell "You" or "Are" correctly can even get a license but they shouldn't. A show I like to watch is "Parking Wars". It's great to see just how truly mentally handicapped people are when it comes to driving and parking. A common excuse on this show is "I didn't see the signs". I don't know about you but when I took my driving test for my license the instructor told me to always look at the signs.
Why? So when something bad happens to my car, I know it was probably my fault. I'm going to use an example that happened to me roughly 5 months ago.
I drove over to a friends place to play Dungeons and Dragons. He lives in a very busy area of the city. One where parking infront of his apartment is damn near impossible. Well, I saw a space that I thought was an open parking spot. I did a quick glance and I didn't notice any signs. A few hours later, my car alarm is going off because I'm getting towed. See, because I only took a quick glance I didn't notice the sign that said "No parking". The Tow truck driver informed me of such when I stated I didn't see the sign.
Now, on Parking Wars this is what would have happened "YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I DON'T CARE ABOUT NO SIGN, I DIDN'T SEE IT, DROP MY CAR OR I'LL KILL YOU". Or other stupid stuff to that same basic tone. I, however, simply said "Oh, well, my bad. Guess I should have looked harder". And with that the driver looked at me in shock and smiled. He went on to tell me I'm the most calm person he's ever met and he told me how he even got peed on by a woman one time when he was towing her car.
And why can't people use turn signals? Is it really that hard to inform the person driving that 2000 pounds of high speed metal that you are trying to turn into their lane so they don't fucking swerve when you turn? The amount of times assholes have done this to me is ridiculous.
It's that kind of bullshit and so much more is why I think that there should be a law that from the time you get your license depending on your age that you should have to redo the road(and maybe the written) test every 10 years till you're 40, then every 5 years till you're 60, then every fucking year because doing it once and having it last an entire life time isn't right.
Ya, jolly ole 90 year old Grandpa got his license 70 years ago and with all the new road laws that comes out never has to redo any of the tests is fucking stupid.
I remember hearing a story a while back of this one old woman who did the same route every year for some 40 years. One day they added a stop sign on the corner of a street that happens to have been along this ladies route. Well, this kid was crossing the road at this stop sign and the lady wasn't paying attention to the road, didn't notice the new stop sign, and hit the kid. Fuck man, the amount of stories we all have of bad drivers nearly killing us or just doing stupid shit has got to be astounding.
Other things that piss me off is people shortening words for texting and bringing it into other forms of communication. Some words or sentences are okay to shorten at times but come on. Having "u" and "r" be replacements for "You" and "Are" is fucking stupid. Look at how dumb the current generation of kids are these days. It may not scare you now but how about in 30-50 years when those people are in important jobs. Or how about when they have their own kids and send them to school.
Fuck, we're already blaming the teachers for kids being lazy retards. Imagine when those lazy retard's kids are doing bad in school. It'll just be one big fucking spiral down to hell.
Today we're "This work is too hard, you should accept "u" and "r" in their work", in 20 years we'll be "you shouldn't have to have them know the alphabet. He/she is only 18." It sounds stupid now but I'm telling you, that shit will happen.
Why can't people just smile too? I know life is hard and stressful. Fuck, I died, nearly died, and so much more. I'm stressed 24/7 cause I have a broken back, I wake up every day knowing that the chances of me living another 3 years is slim, or the amazing fact that when my body starts to reject my lungs I'll cause extreme pain and heartache to the first person that actually cares about me but that doesn't stop me from smiling.
Life is short, life sucks, it's full of hard times but I think that's why people should smile more. Even though my back makes it almost impossible to stand up in the mornings on most days, I still great the day with a smile. Why? Because I'm something that a lot of people forget about.
I
Am
Alive.
Till next time.
Driving;
First off, I hate other drivers. People are fucking idiots. I have no idea how people who can't even fucking spell "You" or "Are" correctly can even get a license but they shouldn't. A show I like to watch is "Parking Wars". It's great to see just how truly mentally handicapped people are when it comes to driving and parking. A common excuse on this show is "I didn't see the signs". I don't know about you but when I took my driving test for my license the instructor told me to always look at the signs.
Why? So when something bad happens to my car, I know it was probably my fault. I'm going to use an example that happened to me roughly 5 months ago.
I drove over to a friends place to play Dungeons and Dragons. He lives in a very busy area of the city. One where parking infront of his apartment is damn near impossible. Well, I saw a space that I thought was an open parking spot. I did a quick glance and I didn't notice any signs. A few hours later, my car alarm is going off because I'm getting towed. See, because I only took a quick glance I didn't notice the sign that said "No parking". The Tow truck driver informed me of such when I stated I didn't see the sign.
Now, on Parking Wars this is what would have happened "YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I DON'T CARE ABOUT NO SIGN, I DIDN'T SEE IT, DROP MY CAR OR I'LL KILL YOU". Or other stupid stuff to that same basic tone. I, however, simply said "Oh, well, my bad. Guess I should have looked harder". And with that the driver looked at me in shock and smiled. He went on to tell me I'm the most calm person he's ever met and he told me how he even got peed on by a woman one time when he was towing her car.
And why can't people use turn signals? Is it really that hard to inform the person driving that 2000 pounds of high speed metal that you are trying to turn into their lane so they don't fucking swerve when you turn? The amount of times assholes have done this to me is ridiculous.
It's that kind of bullshit and so much more is why I think that there should be a law that from the time you get your license depending on your age that you should have to redo the road(and maybe the written) test every 10 years till you're 40, then every 5 years till you're 60, then every fucking year because doing it once and having it last an entire life time isn't right.
Ya, jolly ole 90 year old Grandpa got his license 70 years ago and with all the new road laws that comes out never has to redo any of the tests is fucking stupid.
I remember hearing a story a while back of this one old woman who did the same route every year for some 40 years. One day they added a stop sign on the corner of a street that happens to have been along this ladies route. Well, this kid was crossing the road at this stop sign and the lady wasn't paying attention to the road, didn't notice the new stop sign, and hit the kid. Fuck man, the amount of stories we all have of bad drivers nearly killing us or just doing stupid shit has got to be astounding.
Other things that piss me off is people shortening words for texting and bringing it into other forms of communication. Some words or sentences are okay to shorten at times but come on. Having "u" and "r" be replacements for "You" and "Are" is fucking stupid. Look at how dumb the current generation of kids are these days. It may not scare you now but how about in 30-50 years when those people are in important jobs. Or how about when they have their own kids and send them to school.
Fuck, we're already blaming the teachers for kids being lazy retards. Imagine when those lazy retard's kids are doing bad in school. It'll just be one big fucking spiral down to hell.
Today we're "This work is too hard, you should accept "u" and "r" in their work", in 20 years we'll be "you shouldn't have to have them know the alphabet. He/she is only 18." It sounds stupid now but I'm telling you, that shit will happen.
Why can't people just smile too? I know life is hard and stressful. Fuck, I died, nearly died, and so much more. I'm stressed 24/7 cause I have a broken back, I wake up every day knowing that the chances of me living another 3 years is slim, or the amazing fact that when my body starts to reject my lungs I'll cause extreme pain and heartache to the first person that actually cares about me but that doesn't stop me from smiling.
Life is short, life sucks, it's full of hard times but I think that's why people should smile more. Even though my back makes it almost impossible to stand up in the mornings on most days, I still great the day with a smile. Why? Because I'm something that a lot of people forget about.
I
Am
Alive.
Till next time.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Red Sunrise
Yes, I know it's been like two months since I've posted an update. I've been busy with life. I just came back from the Bahamas with my amazing girlfriend and school is kicking my ass energy wise. Right now though I want to tell the story of how I met my girlfriend. It's a fun story and I gotta say. This has been the best coincidence in my life.
I awoke Canada Day morning to my parents fighting yet again. I tried not to let it get me down. I refuse to let anything spoil my smile first thing in the morning. I played some video games and browsed the web. My Mother came down a few hours later asking if I had anything planned for Canada Day. I told her I didn't because all my friends were out of town. She asked if I wanted to see a movie with her and my Step Father. I figured why not since it beats doing shit all.
The movie we went to see was Ted. Great movie if you haven't seen it. The only problem was my Step Father didn't enjoy the movie at all. He didn't laugh once. I am dead serious. Not a smile, a chuckle or anything. Because of this, on the car ride home while my mom and I were repeating the parts we found funny in the car, he started to get angry. He started a fight with my mom in the car and that sparked a several hour fight. Yay.....
I didn't feel like listening to them say terrible things to eachother so I decided I'd go for a nice 1-5 hour relaxing walk. Remember, I have new lungs that must be kept in shape so I try to get a good amount of exercise in each day. Walking during the Summer is my exercise. I have several Auido Books on my Ipod so I can be gone for hours by the time I get bored and decide to head back home. It was getting late by the time I left. If I remember right, it was about 8pm.
I was about an hour into my walk when I ran into a friend. Her name is Adrienne. Adrienne is about 5'6, short orange hair, average wait, and a hippy. Well, Adrienne was sitting on a Patio infront of a restaurant with someone I've never met before. Her name was Sam. Sam had cute long red hair, she's about 5'4, maybe weighs 110 pounds, great smile, super sexy body, and a great laugh.
Adrienne invites me to join them and tells me that Sam is waiting on a date and that she is here as a scape goat should something go wrong and can get them out of there quick. I figured cool and that was what I thought would be the final time I'd consider Sam in a "Maybe I can date her" Light. I'm not an asshole and I'd never try to cockblock a guy. Just not a cool move to do in my mind.
Sam, Adrienne, and me talk for what seemed like many hours. I get excited whenever I can tell someone my stories. I love telling them. It turned out Sam has also had medical issues. She has Crohns and has had many complications because of them so she was really interested in my stories and I was really interested in hers. After about 2 hours of story sharing her date shows up. He's this typical fit, good looking guy who snowboards and parties. After he showed up I figured any tiny, microscopic chance I had with Sam was gone. I couldn't compete with a good looking healthy guy who could afford good things. So, I was just fully myself. I joked, I told gross stories, I insulted myself. Was a blast.
It hits 2am very fucking quick and our checks come. The Waitress put Sam's meal on my check by mistake but it didn't bother me. I was in "New Friend" mode at this point so I said "Whatever, I'll pay for it. No sweat off my back. Adrienne knows I do this stuff all the time". Adrienne nods her head in agreement. I go in to pay and Sam's date is just ignoring me. He seems mad at me for some reason and I had no idea why. I wasn't hitting on Sam, and I was trying to make him look good.
We pay our bills and we decide to go walking and enjoy the Canada Day street partying. Sam and her date are walking beside eachother talking and I'm walking with Adrienne. After walking around for 2 hours, her date had to go. They said their goodbyes and it was just Sam, Adrienne, and me. We start walking back to Adrienne's house where Sam was spending the night. When we get 2 blocks away from her house Sam turns to me and asks "So, Randy, are you single?". I was confused and stunned, and shocked. My mind exploded. I responded like an idiot. "I....uh...what?....no, I'm single". She just smiles and says "Good".
My mind is freaking out at this point. Girls have never done anything like that. It threw my whole world upside down.
We get to Adrienne's place and say our goodbyes. Sam gives me a very passionate kiss and gives me her phone number. We make a date for later in the week and we've been dating since.
And that's how I went on a walk to relax and ended up with a girlfriend. We've been dating strong since and I have never felt this way about someone in my life. I'm terrified, yet excited. I know my rejection will cause her nothing but pain but she has said countless times that she will be here to end and that makes me so happy. I've never had that before.
Anyways, so ya. That's my love story. I have some more stories coming soon. I should have one every two weeks. I'll be posting about the Bahamas soon and if I ever figure out how to post pictures. You'll get those too.
I awoke Canada Day morning to my parents fighting yet again. I tried not to let it get me down. I refuse to let anything spoil my smile first thing in the morning. I played some video games and browsed the web. My Mother came down a few hours later asking if I had anything planned for Canada Day. I told her I didn't because all my friends were out of town. She asked if I wanted to see a movie with her and my Step Father. I figured why not since it beats doing shit all.
The movie we went to see was Ted. Great movie if you haven't seen it. The only problem was my Step Father didn't enjoy the movie at all. He didn't laugh once. I am dead serious. Not a smile, a chuckle or anything. Because of this, on the car ride home while my mom and I were repeating the parts we found funny in the car, he started to get angry. He started a fight with my mom in the car and that sparked a several hour fight. Yay.....
I didn't feel like listening to them say terrible things to eachother so I decided I'd go for a nice 1-5 hour relaxing walk. Remember, I have new lungs that must be kept in shape so I try to get a good amount of exercise in each day. Walking during the Summer is my exercise. I have several Auido Books on my Ipod so I can be gone for hours by the time I get bored and decide to head back home. It was getting late by the time I left. If I remember right, it was about 8pm.
I was about an hour into my walk when I ran into a friend. Her name is Adrienne. Adrienne is about 5'6, short orange hair, average wait, and a hippy. Well, Adrienne was sitting on a Patio infront of a restaurant with someone I've never met before. Her name was Sam. Sam had cute long red hair, she's about 5'4, maybe weighs 110 pounds, great smile, super sexy body, and a great laugh.
Adrienne invites me to join them and tells me that Sam is waiting on a date and that she is here as a scape goat should something go wrong and can get them out of there quick. I figured cool and that was what I thought would be the final time I'd consider Sam in a "Maybe I can date her" Light. I'm not an asshole and I'd never try to cockblock a guy. Just not a cool move to do in my mind.
Sam, Adrienne, and me talk for what seemed like many hours. I get excited whenever I can tell someone my stories. I love telling them. It turned out Sam has also had medical issues. She has Crohns and has had many complications because of them so she was really interested in my stories and I was really interested in hers. After about 2 hours of story sharing her date shows up. He's this typical fit, good looking guy who snowboards and parties. After he showed up I figured any tiny, microscopic chance I had with Sam was gone. I couldn't compete with a good looking healthy guy who could afford good things. So, I was just fully myself. I joked, I told gross stories, I insulted myself. Was a blast.
It hits 2am very fucking quick and our checks come. The Waitress put Sam's meal on my check by mistake but it didn't bother me. I was in "New Friend" mode at this point so I said "Whatever, I'll pay for it. No sweat off my back. Adrienne knows I do this stuff all the time". Adrienne nods her head in agreement. I go in to pay and Sam's date is just ignoring me. He seems mad at me for some reason and I had no idea why. I wasn't hitting on Sam, and I was trying to make him look good.
We pay our bills and we decide to go walking and enjoy the Canada Day street partying. Sam and her date are walking beside eachother talking and I'm walking with Adrienne. After walking around for 2 hours, her date had to go. They said their goodbyes and it was just Sam, Adrienne, and me. We start walking back to Adrienne's house where Sam was spending the night. When we get 2 blocks away from her house Sam turns to me and asks "So, Randy, are you single?". I was confused and stunned, and shocked. My mind exploded. I responded like an idiot. "I....uh...what?....no, I'm single". She just smiles and says "Good".
My mind is freaking out at this point. Girls have never done anything like that. It threw my whole world upside down.
We get to Adrienne's place and say our goodbyes. Sam gives me a very passionate kiss and gives me her phone number. We make a date for later in the week and we've been dating since.
And that's how I went on a walk to relax and ended up with a girlfriend. We've been dating strong since and I have never felt this way about someone in my life. I'm terrified, yet excited. I know my rejection will cause her nothing but pain but she has said countless times that she will be here to end and that makes me so happy. I've never had that before.
Anyways, so ya. That's my love story. I have some more stories coming soon. I should have one every two weeks. I'll be posting about the Bahamas soon and if I ever figure out how to post pictures. You'll get those too.
Monday, October 15, 2012
How I learned to smile.
Now, before you read this, it will have stuff that's already been said in this blog and maybe some minor details might not be 100% remembered correctly. These memories didn't happen yesterday.
I first met Christian during something that no longer exists. Back when I was a kid there were these Cystic Fibrosis get-togethers. It was meant to help both Parent and the person with C.F. to find people who understand the stress of having C.F. or living with someone who has it. They had to stop them though because no two C.Fers have the same Bacteria in their lungs and by being around one who has the very bad Bacteria in their lungs could pass it to another C.F. who doesn't via coughing into the air. Our Mothers met first. They both were looking for someone to confide in. Christian and I met just because our parents became friends. After just a few minutes of us talking to each other about what it's like to live with C.F. we were friends. After a few years of being distant friends, my step-dad at the time happened to have family that lived in the same town as Christian and so my whole family moved there. My mom still had a job in the city so she put my younger brother Jason and I into the town's daycare which happened to be run by Christian's mother.
Whenever I saw Christian he always had a smile on his face. It amazed me so much. I knew he was sicker than me too. Unfortunately we only lived in that small town for a year, but Christian got sick a few times in that one year that required being in the Hospital for 2-3 weeks at a time. Shockingly enough though, anytime I saw Christian he had that damn smile on his face. One day I asked him about it and he told me "Why not?" in which I responded with "Because we're sick" and all he did was smile and say "Exactly". I wish I could say I got what he meant back then but it took me almost 10 years to fully understand it.
My last memory of Christian was when I was about 16 or 17 and we both happened to be in the Hospital at the same time. The Hospital ward we were on was a good distraction for a sick kid. The rooms all had free cable, the ward was covered in nice bright, welcoming colours, there was a lounge with a big screen T.V., a computer, and many different T.V.'s on wheels with various video game systems.
We hadn't spoken to each other in a few years. Not because we had a falling out or anything like that, but just that my mom moved us around a lot. Was very difficult to keep track of so many different phone numbers. A fun thing about Christian and I is that neither of us liked being in our rooms when we were sick. We found it too....depressing. When you sat in a room all day you couldn't help but think about the future and it was never a good outcome. We loved talking to the Nurses and keeping our minds busy. I had just gotten lunch and I was enjoying it in my room when I heard a voice talking to the Nurses. It took me a few minutes for my mind to register what I was hearing. When it finally clicked into my skull that it was him. I promptly rushed out of my room to greet that voice.
The moment when I saw him a joy washed over my mind. It was like seeing a family member that you haven't seen in a life time. We happily greeted each other at a distance because we couldn't get close to each other. A really crappy fact is that Christian had one of those very bad Bacteria in his lungs and if I kept too close to him for too long, I had too high of a risk of getting it into my lungs, making me much sicker than I already was. After we greeted each other we went around the corner and sat across from one another in the middle of a hallway, trying to keep our distance but still being close enough to hear. We talked for hours on end about how our lives have been going since we last saw each other. What made me so sad for him is when he told me he's been in the Hospital for 3 Months and wasn't seeing a discharge date anytime soon.
Amazingly, he still smiled despite knowing what being so sick meant. It meant he didn't have long left unless he got a double lung transplant. The Nurses came up to us numerous times and told us to keep it down, but we didn't. Neither of us cared. We needed each other. I told him about how I died when I lived in the states, how I twisted a Testicle, and I just ended my story with "Man, why is this shit happening to us? I don't know how long I can go unless life gives me a break". Christian just smiled and told me what he's been going through. He talked about some terrible stuff. How he basically spends up to 8 months a year in the Hospital and finished it with "I could get depressed and give up but what would that get me? I'd rather be happy and make those around me happy so that way when I die, I will die happy surrounded by those who I love and will remember me for never giving up"
I couldn't say much of anything after that. One thing with C.F. is that we are told at the ripe age of 13 how unlikely it is that we're going to live past a certain age. For me, it was 25.....yeah...Christian's was much sooner than that, but he never gave up.
Over the course of that Hospital stay we talked a lot. The Nurses even caught Christian having sex with his girlfriend. When he told me that I must have laughed for 20 minutes straight. While I was being discharged Christian asked me if I could keep visiting him while he was there and I did. We couldn't hang out in his room but we played video games in the lounge while trying our best to keep a safe distance. After a few weeks, he finally got discharged and we lost touch. We talked over the phone a few times but we both hated talking on the phone. I got busy with school and I didn't know what happened to Christian. We both just....forgot about each other and we were never in the Hospital at the same time again.
One thing about being sick so much is that you made friends with your roommates or other sick people in the Hospital. Christian and I made this one friend who was a really awesome guy. His name was Justin. I don't talk to Justin anymore because of what news he brought me.
The next and last time Christian was brought up in my life was on my 18th Birthday. I was relaxing at my computer when Justin sent me a message on MSN. No "Hello", "Happy Birthday", or anything normal. Just "Dude, I'm so sorry". I was of course confused by this and said "What? Why are you sorry?" He preceded to send me a link to an online obituary. It was Christian's... I read it and I did nothing. I didn't cry, get angry, or anything. I just sat there, blank. I don't know how long I was like that but it was long enough for my Sister-in-law to check up on me because I wasn't answering her when she called my name. I still had the webpage open when she took a look at my computer.
She read it and began crying. My little bother heard her, came into my room, and she told him. He too, began to cry. My Mother heard them both, started shouting to see what was the problem and they told her. She ran up the stairs and she too, started crying. I still, was blank. I wish I could say I changed here I became the happy person I am today but that didn't happen for a few more years.
See, after Christian's death I did change but not for the better. His death made me realize something important. Life is fucking short. Unbelievably short. So, why bother trying anymore? I stopped caring about everything in my life. I never went to another class in school again. All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends and use them as a distraction. I stopped caring about my family too. It sucked. I was in this black hole of despair and unable to get out of it. In my mind it was all useless. I wouldn't live long enough to get any use out of school, but making sure I was remembered was my main priority.
That was my entire last year of high school. When everyone graduated and started going to University or got a job. I just played video games and slept. That went on till I was almost twenty. I was in the hospital and my lung functions were at an all time low. They started the Lung Transplant assessment to make sure I was sick enough to be put on the list without getting it too early. I don't remember much around this point but I do remember that during the end stages of the assessment a new Cystic Fibrosis Doctor came in to talk to me.
She saw the child so mad at the world that he didn't care about his health. She flat out told me that if I didn't stop being a dumbass then I wouldn't even get on the list, I'd just die. Her honesty shocked me so much. Everyone up till that point had been comforting me with a constant "Everything will be okay", "Everything will turn out fine", "New lungs will solve everything". She left after saying that and I demanded immediately that she became my new primary Doctor.
That Doctor and Christian's smile made me pull my head out of my ass and Happy Randy started coming around. The way I viewed my health changed, the way I viewed school changed, the way I viewed EVERYTHING changed. It was amazing. Because of those two people I was able to push my Transplant off for another 3 years and I even tried going back to school to graduate. Unfortunately, I was too sick at that point and unable to complete it but I tried and that's the important thing.
I first met Christian during something that no longer exists. Back when I was a kid there were these Cystic Fibrosis get-togethers. It was meant to help both Parent and the person with C.F. to find people who understand the stress of having C.F. or living with someone who has it. They had to stop them though because no two C.Fers have the same Bacteria in their lungs and by being around one who has the very bad Bacteria in their lungs could pass it to another C.F. who doesn't via coughing into the air. Our Mothers met first. They both were looking for someone to confide in. Christian and I met just because our parents became friends. After just a few minutes of us talking to each other about what it's like to live with C.F. we were friends. After a few years of being distant friends, my step-dad at the time happened to have family that lived in the same town as Christian and so my whole family moved there. My mom still had a job in the city so she put my younger brother Jason and I into the town's daycare which happened to be run by Christian's mother.
Whenever I saw Christian he always had a smile on his face. It amazed me so much. I knew he was sicker than me too. Unfortunately we only lived in that small town for a year, but Christian got sick a few times in that one year that required being in the Hospital for 2-3 weeks at a time. Shockingly enough though, anytime I saw Christian he had that damn smile on his face. One day I asked him about it and he told me "Why not?" in which I responded with "Because we're sick" and all he did was smile and say "Exactly". I wish I could say I got what he meant back then but it took me almost 10 years to fully understand it.
My last memory of Christian was when I was about 16 or 17 and we both happened to be in the Hospital at the same time. The Hospital ward we were on was a good distraction for a sick kid. The rooms all had free cable, the ward was covered in nice bright, welcoming colours, there was a lounge with a big screen T.V., a computer, and many different T.V.'s on wheels with various video game systems.
We hadn't spoken to each other in a few years. Not because we had a falling out or anything like that, but just that my mom moved us around a lot. Was very difficult to keep track of so many different phone numbers. A fun thing about Christian and I is that neither of us liked being in our rooms when we were sick. We found it too....depressing. When you sat in a room all day you couldn't help but think about the future and it was never a good outcome. We loved talking to the Nurses and keeping our minds busy. I had just gotten lunch and I was enjoying it in my room when I heard a voice talking to the Nurses. It took me a few minutes for my mind to register what I was hearing. When it finally clicked into my skull that it was him. I promptly rushed out of my room to greet that voice.
The moment when I saw him a joy washed over my mind. It was like seeing a family member that you haven't seen in a life time. We happily greeted each other at a distance because we couldn't get close to each other. A really crappy fact is that Christian had one of those very bad Bacteria in his lungs and if I kept too close to him for too long, I had too high of a risk of getting it into my lungs, making me much sicker than I already was. After we greeted each other we went around the corner and sat across from one another in the middle of a hallway, trying to keep our distance but still being close enough to hear. We talked for hours on end about how our lives have been going since we last saw each other. What made me so sad for him is when he told me he's been in the Hospital for 3 Months and wasn't seeing a discharge date anytime soon.
Amazingly, he still smiled despite knowing what being so sick meant. It meant he didn't have long left unless he got a double lung transplant. The Nurses came up to us numerous times and told us to keep it down, but we didn't. Neither of us cared. We needed each other. I told him about how I died when I lived in the states, how I twisted a Testicle, and I just ended my story with "Man, why is this shit happening to us? I don't know how long I can go unless life gives me a break". Christian just smiled and told me what he's been going through. He talked about some terrible stuff. How he basically spends up to 8 months a year in the Hospital and finished it with "I could get depressed and give up but what would that get me? I'd rather be happy and make those around me happy so that way when I die, I will die happy surrounded by those who I love and will remember me for never giving up"
I couldn't say much of anything after that. One thing with C.F. is that we are told at the ripe age of 13 how unlikely it is that we're going to live past a certain age. For me, it was 25.....yeah...Christian's was much sooner than that, but he never gave up.
Over the course of that Hospital stay we talked a lot. The Nurses even caught Christian having sex with his girlfriend. When he told me that I must have laughed for 20 minutes straight. While I was being discharged Christian asked me if I could keep visiting him while he was there and I did. We couldn't hang out in his room but we played video games in the lounge while trying our best to keep a safe distance. After a few weeks, he finally got discharged and we lost touch. We talked over the phone a few times but we both hated talking on the phone. I got busy with school and I didn't know what happened to Christian. We both just....forgot about each other and we were never in the Hospital at the same time again.
One thing about being sick so much is that you made friends with your roommates or other sick people in the Hospital. Christian and I made this one friend who was a really awesome guy. His name was Justin. I don't talk to Justin anymore because of what news he brought me.
The next and last time Christian was brought up in my life was on my 18th Birthday. I was relaxing at my computer when Justin sent me a message on MSN. No "Hello", "Happy Birthday", or anything normal. Just "Dude, I'm so sorry". I was of course confused by this and said "What? Why are you sorry?" He preceded to send me a link to an online obituary. It was Christian's... I read it and I did nothing. I didn't cry, get angry, or anything. I just sat there, blank. I don't know how long I was like that but it was long enough for my Sister-in-law to check up on me because I wasn't answering her when she called my name. I still had the webpage open when she took a look at my computer.
She read it and began crying. My little bother heard her, came into my room, and she told him. He too, began to cry. My Mother heard them both, started shouting to see what was the problem and they told her. She ran up the stairs and she too, started crying. I still, was blank. I wish I could say I changed here I became the happy person I am today but that didn't happen for a few more years.
See, after Christian's death I did change but not for the better. His death made me realize something important. Life is fucking short. Unbelievably short. So, why bother trying anymore? I stopped caring about everything in my life. I never went to another class in school again. All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends and use them as a distraction. I stopped caring about my family too. It sucked. I was in this black hole of despair and unable to get out of it. In my mind it was all useless. I wouldn't live long enough to get any use out of school, but making sure I was remembered was my main priority.
That was my entire last year of high school. When everyone graduated and started going to University or got a job. I just played video games and slept. That went on till I was almost twenty. I was in the hospital and my lung functions were at an all time low. They started the Lung Transplant assessment to make sure I was sick enough to be put on the list without getting it too early. I don't remember much around this point but I do remember that during the end stages of the assessment a new Cystic Fibrosis Doctor came in to talk to me.
She saw the child so mad at the world that he didn't care about his health. She flat out told me that if I didn't stop being a dumbass then I wouldn't even get on the list, I'd just die. Her honesty shocked me so much. Everyone up till that point had been comforting me with a constant "Everything will be okay", "Everything will turn out fine", "New lungs will solve everything". She left after saying that and I demanded immediately that she became my new primary Doctor.
That Doctor and Christian's smile made me pull my head out of my ass and Happy Randy started coming around. The way I viewed my health changed, the way I viewed school changed, the way I viewed EVERYTHING changed. It was amazing. Because of those two people I was able to push my Transplant off for another 3 years and I even tried going back to school to graduate. Unfortunately, I was too sick at that point and unable to complete it but I tried and that's the important thing.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Thug Life
I've been in trouble with the Law a few times in my life.
The first time I remember being in such a large amount of trouble that the Police needed to get involve was when I was about 12 years old.
I lived in the North end part of my city(Basically, the really shitty area of town) and we had a 2 floor house. My room had a window that was above the roof of the kitchen on the first floor. Like you see in the movies all the time. Well, one night in Summer my younger Brother Jason and I were sitting out on the roof and for some reason we had an idea to start running around on the roof.
One nice thing about the Roof is that it connected to the Roofs of our Neighbors. So, ya, my Brother and I started running around our Neighborhood via the Roofs. It didn't take long for the Police to be called. We saw the Cop car coming and we quickly ran back to our house. There was a tree on the other side of the roof from my Window. I managed to get to that point while Jason dove into my Window and shut off my room's light, ran to his bed, and pretended to sleep.
I'm stuck behind the tree waiting for my moment to run. The Cops are searching around my house with flash lights and I thought I had an opportunity, I ran for it but got caught. The Cops told me to come down and whatnot. I did and they went to the Door, rang the doorbell and promptly waited for my Mom to come to the door. She answered it and the Cops told her what I was up to. She did a smile and said I'd be grounded, and what not. After the Cops left, she took me to my room and smacked the shit out of me, not because I was causing trouble but because I was risking my life by running on slippery roofs at like 2 AM.
Ya, I never went on the roof again after that.
Next up was when we moved to Boston. My brother and I had an idea to start throwing eggs at Cars that went past this park behind our House. We threw alot of eggs and we had no more money to buy more. Naturally instead of being smart and ending it. We decided that.....rocks were the next best thing. Thankfully, we never caused accidents. But people sure did call the cops. All I remember here is, we took a break from it all and I started coughing. I put my head down and coughed away. I look up and BAM. Cop right infront of my face. I look around and my brother is nowhere in sight. He apparently saw the Cop and fucking ran without a word. When the Cop brought me home, he was in our room watching TV trying to act like he never left the house. After the last time he ditched me, I made sure he got punished with me. I told them all that he was with me and just ran off to not get caught.
So, the Cop asks us to come to the Station to talk about pressing Charges. My mom was horribly pissed off at this point. We drive to the Police Station and, I'm not really sure what happened but the mood during the Car ride there got really light and happy. We get to the station and for 30 minutes, my mom is discussing the possibility of charges being pressed on Jason and me. Jason and I keep getting asked questions about why we were throwing stuff at cars. We never had a plan before hand, we were in different rooms, and strangely we both had the same story. We told the cops that this big kid came up to us and started saying "Throw these eggs and rocks at cars or I'll beat the living shit out of you". We don't know if the cops bought our story.
Somehow my mom managed to show such anger that the Cops let us go without any charges. The cop said to me before we left. "We were going to press charges but with how badly you're mother is going to beat you, we didn't think you deserved both". That scared the shit out of me. I was nervous the entire 2 minute walk back to the car but when we got in the car and started driving home. My mom started cracking jokes. She started saying shit like "Next time, don't ditch you're brother, Jason" and other stuff like that. We went for Burgers before we went home.
Was awesome.
Numbero trio.
We're still in the states but shit with my mom and her husband at the time was going terribly and Jason, my mom, and me were moving back to Canada. On what was to be our last day of school. We took all of our friends and just skipped the entire school day. Was our last day, we wanted to hang out. Well, apparently cops really care about skipping school.
It started by us going to the local Mall and just wondering around. This Cop sees us and starts following us. The mall had this decline into a dead end Basement with a single elevator going back to the first floor. We made it to the Elevator and were waiting on it with the cop entail. The Elevator shows up and all of us but my dumbshit brother enter it. He's standing in the middle of the Hallway staring at the cop like he was made of gold. We're screaming at him to get into the elevator. Finally, one of our friends just grabs him and drags him into the Elevator. It was like a movie with how close that cop was to catching us.
After that, we figure the Mall is too hot to hang out so we wandered around town and it was fun. We talked and talked and even ran into the Mother of one of our friends. They were about to get a lecture but then I told them that we're just having a fun day because it's our last day in the Country. His mom was pretty chill and just said to have fun before going on her way.
3:40pm was coming around and we needed to get back to school to get onto the Bus. We were waiting infront of the school for maybe 10 minutes and they called the Cops on us. There was a forest line between the school and the main road. We were sitting on the school side of the forest and happened to see several cop cars go by. We all agreed it was too risky to be there and were on the move to a new spot. Jason decided that he didn't want to be with the group and took off.
Ya, he fucking ditches people alot...
So, it's me and like 5 other people. We all walk out of the forest line on the main road and 3 Cop cars stop movie style, pinning us in. We're thinking "Holy fuck". I get arrested yet again and as I'm being put into the car, I see Jason walking by with a massive fucking smile on his prick face. If I wasn't in handcuffs I'd have ran towards him to punch him in his asshole face.
The cop takes us back to the school and drags us to the Principles office while they call my Mom. While Jason got on the Bus and fucking went back home. Since I'm waiting on my mom to come kick my ass, I tried to defend myself by telling em, "It's my last day in the country, I'm chilling with my friends." That apparently was a bad thing to say. They're very not okay with people leaving the Country suddenly.
Finally, my mom shows up and tells everyone I'm lying my ass off just so I don't get in trouble. The School looked at me like I was brain dead, suspended me, and I got to go home. During the ride back home, my mom just told me that it was a secret because she didn't want to do all the paperwork or something.
When I got home, I punched a wall instead of punching my dumbshit brothers face in. Fucking ditching me yet again.
After that, I stopped doing things with Jason that could get me arrested.
And that's my thug life. Thanks for reading!
The first time I remember being in such a large amount of trouble that the Police needed to get involve was when I was about 12 years old.
I lived in the North end part of my city(Basically, the really shitty area of town) and we had a 2 floor house. My room had a window that was above the roof of the kitchen on the first floor. Like you see in the movies all the time. Well, one night in Summer my younger Brother Jason and I were sitting out on the roof and for some reason we had an idea to start running around on the roof.
One nice thing about the Roof is that it connected to the Roofs of our Neighbors. So, ya, my Brother and I started running around our Neighborhood via the Roofs. It didn't take long for the Police to be called. We saw the Cop car coming and we quickly ran back to our house. There was a tree on the other side of the roof from my Window. I managed to get to that point while Jason dove into my Window and shut off my room's light, ran to his bed, and pretended to sleep.
I'm stuck behind the tree waiting for my moment to run. The Cops are searching around my house with flash lights and I thought I had an opportunity, I ran for it but got caught. The Cops told me to come down and whatnot. I did and they went to the Door, rang the doorbell and promptly waited for my Mom to come to the door. She answered it and the Cops told her what I was up to. She did a smile and said I'd be grounded, and what not. After the Cops left, she took me to my room and smacked the shit out of me, not because I was causing trouble but because I was risking my life by running on slippery roofs at like 2 AM.
Ya, I never went on the roof again after that.
Next up was when we moved to Boston. My brother and I had an idea to start throwing eggs at Cars that went past this park behind our House. We threw alot of eggs and we had no more money to buy more. Naturally instead of being smart and ending it. We decided that.....rocks were the next best thing. Thankfully, we never caused accidents. But people sure did call the cops. All I remember here is, we took a break from it all and I started coughing. I put my head down and coughed away. I look up and BAM. Cop right infront of my face. I look around and my brother is nowhere in sight. He apparently saw the Cop and fucking ran without a word. When the Cop brought me home, he was in our room watching TV trying to act like he never left the house. After the last time he ditched me, I made sure he got punished with me. I told them all that he was with me and just ran off to not get caught.
So, the Cop asks us to come to the Station to talk about pressing Charges. My mom was horribly pissed off at this point. We drive to the Police Station and, I'm not really sure what happened but the mood during the Car ride there got really light and happy. We get to the station and for 30 minutes, my mom is discussing the possibility of charges being pressed on Jason and me. Jason and I keep getting asked questions about why we were throwing stuff at cars. We never had a plan before hand, we were in different rooms, and strangely we both had the same story. We told the cops that this big kid came up to us and started saying "Throw these eggs and rocks at cars or I'll beat the living shit out of you". We don't know if the cops bought our story.
Somehow my mom managed to show such anger that the Cops let us go without any charges. The cop said to me before we left. "We were going to press charges but with how badly you're mother is going to beat you, we didn't think you deserved both". That scared the shit out of me. I was nervous the entire 2 minute walk back to the car but when we got in the car and started driving home. My mom started cracking jokes. She started saying shit like "Next time, don't ditch you're brother, Jason" and other stuff like that. We went for Burgers before we went home.
Was awesome.
Numbero trio.
We're still in the states but shit with my mom and her husband at the time was going terribly and Jason, my mom, and me were moving back to Canada. On what was to be our last day of school. We took all of our friends and just skipped the entire school day. Was our last day, we wanted to hang out. Well, apparently cops really care about skipping school.
It started by us going to the local Mall and just wondering around. This Cop sees us and starts following us. The mall had this decline into a dead end Basement with a single elevator going back to the first floor. We made it to the Elevator and were waiting on it with the cop entail. The Elevator shows up and all of us but my dumbshit brother enter it. He's standing in the middle of the Hallway staring at the cop like he was made of gold. We're screaming at him to get into the elevator. Finally, one of our friends just grabs him and drags him into the Elevator. It was like a movie with how close that cop was to catching us.
After that, we figure the Mall is too hot to hang out so we wandered around town and it was fun. We talked and talked and even ran into the Mother of one of our friends. They were about to get a lecture but then I told them that we're just having a fun day because it's our last day in the Country. His mom was pretty chill and just said to have fun before going on her way.
3:40pm was coming around and we needed to get back to school to get onto the Bus. We were waiting infront of the school for maybe 10 minutes and they called the Cops on us. There was a forest line between the school and the main road. We were sitting on the school side of the forest and happened to see several cop cars go by. We all agreed it was too risky to be there and were on the move to a new spot. Jason decided that he didn't want to be with the group and took off.
Ya, he fucking ditches people alot...
So, it's me and like 5 other people. We all walk out of the forest line on the main road and 3 Cop cars stop movie style, pinning us in. We're thinking "Holy fuck". I get arrested yet again and as I'm being put into the car, I see Jason walking by with a massive fucking smile on his prick face. If I wasn't in handcuffs I'd have ran towards him to punch him in his asshole face.
The cop takes us back to the school and drags us to the Principles office while they call my Mom. While Jason got on the Bus and fucking went back home. Since I'm waiting on my mom to come kick my ass, I tried to defend myself by telling em, "It's my last day in the country, I'm chilling with my friends." That apparently was a bad thing to say. They're very not okay with people leaving the Country suddenly.
Finally, my mom shows up and tells everyone I'm lying my ass off just so I don't get in trouble. The School looked at me like I was brain dead, suspended me, and I got to go home. During the ride back home, my mom just told me that it was a secret because she didn't want to do all the paperwork or something.
When I got home, I punched a wall instead of punching my dumbshit brothers face in. Fucking ditching me yet again.
After that, I stopped doing things with Jason that could get me arrested.
And that's my thug life. Thanks for reading!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Fears
So, today I shall talk about Fears both Pre-Transplant and Post-Transplant.
Pre-
Being forgotten about after I die was one of my largest fears for me Pre-Transplant. My life on this earth will be very short. There is no denying that and I'm okay with it in a sense. As long as I can do whatever I can to make sure I'm remembered, I'll die happy. But let me expand that thought
While, yes, I do want to do the best I can to be remembered, I don't want to be remembered negatively. I try my hardest to be kind, generous, and funny to be sure that I'm going to be remembered in a good light.
Now, that's not to say that I just want to be nice only to be remembered positively. My friends are my life and always will be my life. They've been there for me when my own family hasn't and probably won't ever be.
Another thing that scares me isn't about my death but others. I've had to be alive while two of my best friends died and I couldn't even be there for them. And that fucking sucks. I don't want to out live my friends. I want them to out live me. Aside from Christian and Carl, my other friends should have a full life ahead of them and I want them to live has happily and as long as possible.
Yet another Pre-Transplant fear is people really knowing just how sick I was. I know I talk about it alot but even when I do, I still underplay just how truly sick I was. I never want anyone to know how sick I was or see me that sick again. It pained me so much when I was in the coma and people could see how sick I was.
Post-Transplant
Starting it all over. You might be asking, "What do you mean "Starting it all over"? Well, shut up you ignorant dumbass and let me finish. What I mean is that from the age of 13 to 23 I slow died. I slowly had my body give out on me one infection at a time. I had to lose the ability to breath, I lost the ability to be happy and I had to face death so many times. I never want to repeat that again. If I had choice, I'd rather die quickly than repeat all that.
A scary one in my mind is getting something new. Ie, Skin Cancer or some other bullshit thing that can come from Transplant. I don't want to have a new series of illnesses or hospital stays. Atleast with the lungs, I know exactly what to expect. I can't handle something new and unknown.
Change....that's a terrifying one aswell. So much of my life was hatred towards dying and hatred towards people who got to live happy lives full of chances so who I am now is a result of that and so much other stuff. It's who I am, but since transplant, I have been changing. What some people would see as better for me but worse for my friends. My friends used to be everything to me and now since I might have a chance at a relatively normal life, I've been becoming...not selfish but more aware of what I want and deserve and less of others if that makes sense.
And the final one on my mind right now is dying after all those changes are said and done or turning back into who I was and then dying. I've made many new friends after transplant and they've never seen me sick or have never known me when I was angry. I don't want them to ever see that or watch me die. It's why I'd prefer to die quickly.
Well, that's what's been on my mind lately, I hope you all enjoy that insight into my mind.
Pre-
Being forgotten about after I die was one of my largest fears for me Pre-Transplant. My life on this earth will be very short. There is no denying that and I'm okay with it in a sense. As long as I can do whatever I can to make sure I'm remembered, I'll die happy. But let me expand that thought
While, yes, I do want to do the best I can to be remembered, I don't want to be remembered negatively. I try my hardest to be kind, generous, and funny to be sure that I'm going to be remembered in a good light.
Now, that's not to say that I just want to be nice only to be remembered positively. My friends are my life and always will be my life. They've been there for me when my own family hasn't and probably won't ever be.
Another thing that scares me isn't about my death but others. I've had to be alive while two of my best friends died and I couldn't even be there for them. And that fucking sucks. I don't want to out live my friends. I want them to out live me. Aside from Christian and Carl, my other friends should have a full life ahead of them and I want them to live has happily and as long as possible.
Yet another Pre-Transplant fear is people really knowing just how sick I was. I know I talk about it alot but even when I do, I still underplay just how truly sick I was. I never want anyone to know how sick I was or see me that sick again. It pained me so much when I was in the coma and people could see how sick I was.
Post-Transplant
Starting it all over. You might be asking, "What do you mean "Starting it all over"? Well, shut up you ignorant dumbass and let me finish. What I mean is that from the age of 13 to 23 I slow died. I slowly had my body give out on me one infection at a time. I had to lose the ability to breath, I lost the ability to be happy and I had to face death so many times. I never want to repeat that again. If I had choice, I'd rather die quickly than repeat all that.
A scary one in my mind is getting something new. Ie, Skin Cancer or some other bullshit thing that can come from Transplant. I don't want to have a new series of illnesses or hospital stays. Atleast with the lungs, I know exactly what to expect. I can't handle something new and unknown.
Change....that's a terrifying one aswell. So much of my life was hatred towards dying and hatred towards people who got to live happy lives full of chances so who I am now is a result of that and so much other stuff. It's who I am, but since transplant, I have been changing. What some people would see as better for me but worse for my friends. My friends used to be everything to me and now since I might have a chance at a relatively normal life, I've been becoming...not selfish but more aware of what I want and deserve and less of others if that makes sense.
And the final one on my mind right now is dying after all those changes are said and done or turning back into who I was and then dying. I've made many new friends after transplant and they've never seen me sick or have never known me when I was angry. I don't want them to ever see that or watch me die. It's why I'd prefer to die quickly.
Well, that's what's been on my mind lately, I hope you all enjoy that insight into my mind.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Two Friends
I am going to talk about two very important people today. I'll start with the one that impacted my life the most. This isn't going to be a short post.
Christian.
I met him many many years ago. I met him and his family during something that no longer exists. Back in the day we used to have these "CF day" thingies where a bunch of Kids with CF and their families would get together and the parents could bitch to eachother about how hard it is to have a Child with CF and the kids could chill and bitch about how CF is a bullshit disease and how many pills we have to take. Christian was a bit of a nerd, like myself at that time and we got along from the get go.
Nearly every time there was one of those CF thingies we'd always hang out. Eventually, my mom met someone and his family happened to live in this town outside Winnipeg. It was called "Il de chene". Some small ass half french town. Wasn't too fun but Christian and his family happened to live there aswell and his mother even had a Day Care. I don't remember how old I was exactly when we moved there but it was when, I think, I was in the Forth Grade. My mom worked in Winnipeg and I was too young to just go to School or go home after school so she signed me up for the Day Care. My Brother Jason and I would go there around 6am and be there till like 7pm after School. We'd always watch Pokemon together in the morning and he'd show me his Starwars collection. He was really into that stuff.
It was the basic stuff for most of the year that I lived there but him and I would hang out nearly every day and we had a blast. He was always a little more sicker than me and it showed. I'd listen to him tell me about how bad his CF was all the time and I couldn't really share my stories because aside from like 2 times in the Hospital for Lung infections during childhood, I was pretty much a normal kid. I'd always feel bad and scared when I talked with Christian because I couldn't relate and yet I knew that that would be my future.
I remember one time my mom dropped my brother and I off at his place early one morning and Christian's Parents forgot to turn off their House Alarm. We walked in and stood at the front door because all the lights were off and we didn't know what to do. After about a minute of standing there, his father walks out in a towel and has a shotgun pointing at our heads. We were fucking terrified yet we laughed for days after it.
Regretfully, we only live in that town for a year before we moved back to Winnipeg. My moms job required more hours and she couldn't waste time driving to and from Winnipeg. So, of course, Christian and I grew apart, not really talking much but when we were teenagers, him and I spent a lot of time together in the hospital and we'd chat nonstop and hang out nonstop, though, it was difficult because at this point in time Doctors decided that people with CF could not be around other people with CF with fear of giving one or the other another bad bacteria in their lungs.
See, people with CF usually have one bad bacteria in their lungs. Alone, it's not too bad depending on which one it is but over time and being in the hospital alot, a person gets more and more in their lungs, doing more damage, making us sicker, and therefore killing us quicker.
So, whenever we were in the Hospital together we'd have to sit some distance from eachother to chat. It got really awkward because we'd both tend to be loud. It's another weird thing with CF. The harder it is for you to breath, the louder your voice seems to get. It's not on purpose or anything. It's just the way it is.
We'd get in trouble alot for being so noisy and be told constantly at how we shouldn't hang out with eachother but we didn't care. We needed eachother, someone who could understand the stress of it all took a large weight off your shoulders. Something I miss so much now.
And now the shitty part of the story. My 18th Birthday.
I was talking on MSN to another friend Christian and I met in the Hospital and he starts saying "I'm so sorry" and all that crap and I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He finally gave me a link to Christians online Obituary and after reading it I....I did nothing. I just sat there for I don't know how long but I didn't cry or anything. Finally, my Brother comes in and starts reading what was still up on my Monitor and he goes crying to my mom and it sparks this who crying fest in my House. Everyone is coming up to me saying "I'm so sorry" and shit and again. I didn't feel anything. I felt empty inside. It had turned out that Christian got really sick, really fast and needed an Emergency Lung Transplant. He....he didn't make it through the Transplant. He went in for Surgery two days before my Birthday and ya.
After that, I saw a quick end to my life. I didn't see CF as this slightly inconvenient illness where once or twice a year I had to spend a few weeks in the Hospital. I saw it as death and nothing I did mattered. I went into depression and just stopped taking care of myself. I regret it now but that's because I know shit now I didn't know then. That's how life works.
I got so sick so fast that when I was 21, I was being assessed for the Transplant list. Mind you, that was many things added together but a large part of it was Christian dying. I only even cared to do it because it seemed like an easy way out. I didn't see Transplant as my survival back then. I saw it as death and nothing else. The reason I even cared to try and go on the list back then was so I had an easy way out. Being sick got painful, breathing started to hurt, life started to kick me real hard. Thankfully, I got a new Doctor and she gave me a much needed push to start taking taking care of myself. I wasn't taking perfect care of myself, but it was enough to push off the Transplant.
And then things changed. During one of my stays in the Hospital when I was 21 I met another person with CF. His name was Carl. We only met because we had similar personalities. This is Friend number 2
One night I was out chatting with the Nurses at the Nurse Desk thing and Carl came out do to the same thing. We started talking about being sick and sharing our stories. It seemed like we kept trying to one up eachother in being sick. We got a little too loud and they told us to go into the Visitor's Lounge and close the door. It had gotten to be like 4am at this point.
We do as told and man, let me tell you, just having someone there who understood what I had been going through felt amazing. I no longer felt alone in this world. I have had the same amazing friends since Highschool, sure, but they were healthy people. None of them ever thought about dying young. None of them ever had to go into the shitty ass Hospitals where Doctors didn't give two fucks. But Carl did and it felt so unbelievably amazing to have that support back.
We soon became like Brothers. Whenever one was sick, we'd always visit the other and one time while I was sick. Carl came to visit me. He wasn't breathing heavily or coughing. It was very strange to me. He wouldn't stop smiling and his body kept shaking. I had one of those SAT machines in my room and he was checking his out. His SATs were that of a normal healthy person. Again, I got more and more confused.
He finally told me that he had his Double Lung Transplant just a week before I got sick. It was staggering at how quickly he changed. He gave me a new hope for something that I feared. He'd tell me his dreams when he was fully healed and how he was going to do them no matter what.
I was so jealous and relieved. Carl used to tell me that in a few months time, he's just going to go off the list and let himself die. He had been waiting for over three years. His body and mind just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to give him shit for not calling me and telling me but I also understood why he didn't. If he did, I wouldn't have been allowed to see him or anything. I was still sick and the Bacteria in my lungs could have killed him in his weakened state.
After that, anytime I was sick, Carl found out somehow and would always visit me. He'd talk to me about his fears and dreams some more and I'd bitch about being sick. He gave me the hope I needed to go on the list when I was sick enough which is the next part I'll tell you.
Back in that Coma of 2010, I'm told that Carl almost never left my side and that he barely slept. He was a better Brother to me then my real Brothers. I've said it in my post about that Coma and how I should be dead. He was there for me, my brother didn't even care to visit me unless it was for money.(Sidenote, I'm bitching about my younger brother here. My older Brother did visit me but couldn't stay long as he was still in jail at the time but neither of them cared to listen to me when I was sick and just be there for me.)
After that Coma, Carl went to live his dream when he found out I started the Assessment for my shot at the Transplant List. He went on a 6 Month sailing trip around North America. He had the time of his life. When he got back, he regaled me with so many stories and I was just happy listening to them. I may have had Carl to prove to me that Transplant still has hope but that Seed of death was still deep in my mind.
Finally, my transplant came and Carl wished me luck over the phone. He couldn't be there because he was out still enjoying life all around Canada.
Neither of us really saw eachother after my Transplant. He was just too busy enjoying his life. I couldn't hate him for that. He said that in Jan of 2012 he'd be back in Winnipeg and he'd need a place to live. He suggested that we get an apartment together and I was on board with that in a heartbeat. But...October came.
I hadn't spoken to Carl in sometime. It happened. He'd be at some crazy ass place that didn't have electricity to charge his phone or cell phone service. I was looking on Facebook one day and I saw that one of the Nurses from the Hospital had posted something on her page about Carl. For about 5 minutes I stared at it thinking "That couldn't be my Carl, right...? No, it just can't be....Maybe it's a joke of some sort". Finally, I went to Carl's Facebook page and I saw the truth. It had hit me so fucking hard.
He had apparently been sick for some time, which made me mad at him. All the times he's been there for me. I'd have killed to been there for him. It wasn't fair. Within minutes of finding the truth. I cried like I've never cried in my life. He gave me the hope I greatly needed. With his Transplant advice I was able to make it through without doing harm to myself(Not in a bad way but like pulling tubes out from being scared or something).
And so, those were my two friends. Christian and Carl. I'm sorry for making this a long ass post but I just couldn't stop typing. They meant the world to me and still do. It's why I still fight on and smile despite so much bad luck. They both gave me something from knowing each of them and I am who I am because of that. I try to minimize the seriousness of my illness just so people don't worry as much because of Christian. I keep pushing on because of Carl.
I owe my life to both of them.
Christian.
I met him many many years ago. I met him and his family during something that no longer exists. Back in the day we used to have these "CF day" thingies where a bunch of Kids with CF and their families would get together and the parents could bitch to eachother about how hard it is to have a Child with CF and the kids could chill and bitch about how CF is a bullshit disease and how many pills we have to take. Christian was a bit of a nerd, like myself at that time and we got along from the get go.
Nearly every time there was one of those CF thingies we'd always hang out. Eventually, my mom met someone and his family happened to live in this town outside Winnipeg. It was called "Il de chene". Some small ass half french town. Wasn't too fun but Christian and his family happened to live there aswell and his mother even had a Day Care. I don't remember how old I was exactly when we moved there but it was when, I think, I was in the Forth Grade. My mom worked in Winnipeg and I was too young to just go to School or go home after school so she signed me up for the Day Care. My Brother Jason and I would go there around 6am and be there till like 7pm after School. We'd always watch Pokemon together in the morning and he'd show me his Starwars collection. He was really into that stuff.
It was the basic stuff for most of the year that I lived there but him and I would hang out nearly every day and we had a blast. He was always a little more sicker than me and it showed. I'd listen to him tell me about how bad his CF was all the time and I couldn't really share my stories because aside from like 2 times in the Hospital for Lung infections during childhood, I was pretty much a normal kid. I'd always feel bad and scared when I talked with Christian because I couldn't relate and yet I knew that that would be my future.
I remember one time my mom dropped my brother and I off at his place early one morning and Christian's Parents forgot to turn off their House Alarm. We walked in and stood at the front door because all the lights were off and we didn't know what to do. After about a minute of standing there, his father walks out in a towel and has a shotgun pointing at our heads. We were fucking terrified yet we laughed for days after it.
Regretfully, we only live in that town for a year before we moved back to Winnipeg. My moms job required more hours and she couldn't waste time driving to and from Winnipeg. So, of course, Christian and I grew apart, not really talking much but when we were teenagers, him and I spent a lot of time together in the hospital and we'd chat nonstop and hang out nonstop, though, it was difficult because at this point in time Doctors decided that people with CF could not be around other people with CF with fear of giving one or the other another bad bacteria in their lungs.
See, people with CF usually have one bad bacteria in their lungs. Alone, it's not too bad depending on which one it is but over time and being in the hospital alot, a person gets more and more in their lungs, doing more damage, making us sicker, and therefore killing us quicker.
So, whenever we were in the Hospital together we'd have to sit some distance from eachother to chat. It got really awkward because we'd both tend to be loud. It's another weird thing with CF. The harder it is for you to breath, the louder your voice seems to get. It's not on purpose or anything. It's just the way it is.
We'd get in trouble alot for being so noisy and be told constantly at how we shouldn't hang out with eachother but we didn't care. We needed eachother, someone who could understand the stress of it all took a large weight off your shoulders. Something I miss so much now.
And now the shitty part of the story. My 18th Birthday.
I was talking on MSN to another friend Christian and I met in the Hospital and he starts saying "I'm so sorry" and all that crap and I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He finally gave me a link to Christians online Obituary and after reading it I....I did nothing. I just sat there for I don't know how long but I didn't cry or anything. Finally, my Brother comes in and starts reading what was still up on my Monitor and he goes crying to my mom and it sparks this who crying fest in my House. Everyone is coming up to me saying "I'm so sorry" and shit and again. I didn't feel anything. I felt empty inside. It had turned out that Christian got really sick, really fast and needed an Emergency Lung Transplant. He....he didn't make it through the Transplant. He went in for Surgery two days before my Birthday and ya.
After that, I saw a quick end to my life. I didn't see CF as this slightly inconvenient illness where once or twice a year I had to spend a few weeks in the Hospital. I saw it as death and nothing I did mattered. I went into depression and just stopped taking care of myself. I regret it now but that's because I know shit now I didn't know then. That's how life works.
I got so sick so fast that when I was 21, I was being assessed for the Transplant list. Mind you, that was many things added together but a large part of it was Christian dying. I only even cared to do it because it seemed like an easy way out. I didn't see Transplant as my survival back then. I saw it as death and nothing else. The reason I even cared to try and go on the list back then was so I had an easy way out. Being sick got painful, breathing started to hurt, life started to kick me real hard. Thankfully, I got a new Doctor and she gave me a much needed push to start taking taking care of myself. I wasn't taking perfect care of myself, but it was enough to push off the Transplant.
And then things changed. During one of my stays in the Hospital when I was 21 I met another person with CF. His name was Carl. We only met because we had similar personalities. This is Friend number 2
One night I was out chatting with the Nurses at the Nurse Desk thing and Carl came out do to the same thing. We started talking about being sick and sharing our stories. It seemed like we kept trying to one up eachother in being sick. We got a little too loud and they told us to go into the Visitor's Lounge and close the door. It had gotten to be like 4am at this point.
We do as told and man, let me tell you, just having someone there who understood what I had been going through felt amazing. I no longer felt alone in this world. I have had the same amazing friends since Highschool, sure, but they were healthy people. None of them ever thought about dying young. None of them ever had to go into the shitty ass Hospitals where Doctors didn't give two fucks. But Carl did and it felt so unbelievably amazing to have that support back.
We soon became like Brothers. Whenever one was sick, we'd always visit the other and one time while I was sick. Carl came to visit me. He wasn't breathing heavily or coughing. It was very strange to me. He wouldn't stop smiling and his body kept shaking. I had one of those SAT machines in my room and he was checking his out. His SATs were that of a normal healthy person. Again, I got more and more confused.
He finally told me that he had his Double Lung Transplant just a week before I got sick. It was staggering at how quickly he changed. He gave me a new hope for something that I feared. He'd tell me his dreams when he was fully healed and how he was going to do them no matter what.
I was so jealous and relieved. Carl used to tell me that in a few months time, he's just going to go off the list and let himself die. He had been waiting for over three years. His body and mind just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to give him shit for not calling me and telling me but I also understood why he didn't. If he did, I wouldn't have been allowed to see him or anything. I was still sick and the Bacteria in my lungs could have killed him in his weakened state.
After that, anytime I was sick, Carl found out somehow and would always visit me. He'd talk to me about his fears and dreams some more and I'd bitch about being sick. He gave me the hope I needed to go on the list when I was sick enough which is the next part I'll tell you.
Back in that Coma of 2010, I'm told that Carl almost never left my side and that he barely slept. He was a better Brother to me then my real Brothers. I've said it in my post about that Coma and how I should be dead. He was there for me, my brother didn't even care to visit me unless it was for money.(Sidenote, I'm bitching about my younger brother here. My older Brother did visit me but couldn't stay long as he was still in jail at the time but neither of them cared to listen to me when I was sick and just be there for me.)
After that Coma, Carl went to live his dream when he found out I started the Assessment for my shot at the Transplant List. He went on a 6 Month sailing trip around North America. He had the time of his life. When he got back, he regaled me with so many stories and I was just happy listening to them. I may have had Carl to prove to me that Transplant still has hope but that Seed of death was still deep in my mind.
Finally, my transplant came and Carl wished me luck over the phone. He couldn't be there because he was out still enjoying life all around Canada.
Neither of us really saw eachother after my Transplant. He was just too busy enjoying his life. I couldn't hate him for that. He said that in Jan of 2012 he'd be back in Winnipeg and he'd need a place to live. He suggested that we get an apartment together and I was on board with that in a heartbeat. But...October came.
I hadn't spoken to Carl in sometime. It happened. He'd be at some crazy ass place that didn't have electricity to charge his phone or cell phone service. I was looking on Facebook one day and I saw that one of the Nurses from the Hospital had posted something on her page about Carl. For about 5 minutes I stared at it thinking "That couldn't be my Carl, right...? No, it just can't be....Maybe it's a joke of some sort". Finally, I went to Carl's Facebook page and I saw the truth. It had hit me so fucking hard.
He had apparently been sick for some time, which made me mad at him. All the times he's been there for me. I'd have killed to been there for him. It wasn't fair. Within minutes of finding the truth. I cried like I've never cried in my life. He gave me the hope I greatly needed. With his Transplant advice I was able to make it through without doing harm to myself(Not in a bad way but like pulling tubes out from being scared or something).
And so, those were my two friends. Christian and Carl. I'm sorry for making this a long ass post but I just couldn't stop typing. They meant the world to me and still do. It's why I still fight on and smile despite so much bad luck. They both gave me something from knowing each of them and I am who I am because of that. I try to minimize the seriousness of my illness just so people don't worry as much because of Christian. I keep pushing on because of Carl.
I owe my life to both of them.
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